Daughter #3's wedding it getting very close! Have to stay focused and keep calm to get everything done so it is the prefect wedding of her dreams. I pray daily for good weather for the outdoor ceremony.
Holding my life together while planning this wedding has been way more difficult then I thought it would be, I hoped the wedding would distract me from my unhappiness...it has not. However, without the wedding as a distraction I would probably have already left...we'll see what happens when the wedding is said and done.
The saddest thing to me is Mr. Husband doesn't seem to have a clue. I've talked to him and point blank told him one than once that I'm not happy with the way our relationship is and that I miss the "old" us...he has done nothing to try to help the situation. It would not take much, just a little effort would go a long way. Example, it was Friday night we went to Total Wines to buy wine to sample for the wedding, the store was full of tasting vendors:
Bootsie: This is a fun store, you want to taste something?
Mr. Husband: No, that's okay.
Bootsie: Why not? We're here and it's free...
Mr. Husband: You go ahead...
We tasted a couple of things, but could tell he would rather just leave.
Driving away from the store I asked "do you want to get something to eat while we're out?" I'm hoping beyond hope he'll suggest we go "out" to eat. He'll maybe want to take me out. Well, he suggests pizza and proceeds to stop at Little Caesars for a $5.00 take out pizza. Not what I was hoping for. So once again I squash my disappointment and don't make a big deal out of it...it is like he has no personality, he seldom laughs, never suggests we go anywhere or do anything and does not put any thought or effort into much of anything. I recognize the fact that he is a good man and I could have things so much worse, but I'm not happy with our marriage and I can't fix it alone and he doesn't seem to care enough to even try to step and do anything about it.
I fantasize about living in a small apartment and doing anything I want. It is a crazy fantasy.
but I dream of it daily...to go home if I want to or not and being totally spontaneous!!
I try to focus on the good things because there are good things to be grateful for...but they don't make me happy...
Keeping it real...
This is an adventure through trails, tribulations, blood, sweat and tears...all to live life to the fullest!!
Tuesday, March 15, 2016
Sunday, March 6, 2016
Beautiful weekend coming to an end...
Beautiful weather this weekend...
Mr. Husband working his tail off in the yard, mowing, mulching leaves, cleaning gutters and fertilizing, ended up with eight bags of leaves...every year he complains about the leaves! But, loves the trees. Go figure!!
After a hard day of yard work and chores we sat on the patio with adult beverages and had a nice outdoor fire. It was pleasant, but not romantic as I had hoped. Very mundane and generic...oh well, being a hopeless romantic is a curse!!
Mr. Husband working his tail off in the yard, mowing, mulching leaves, cleaning gutters and fertilizing, ended up with eight bags of leaves...every year he complains about the leaves! But, loves the trees. Go figure!!
After a hard day of yard work and chores we sat on the patio with adult beverages and had a nice outdoor fire. It was pleasant, but not romantic as I had hoped. Very mundane and generic...oh well, being a hopeless romantic is a curse!!
Lost romance
Lost feelings
No touching
No special looks
No secrete signs
Nothing, zero, zip, nada, zilch...
It is a sad and unfulfilling way to live
Keeping it real!!
Thursday, March 3, 2016
February 12, 2001, 13 years ago at 9:...
As the title says...13 years ago at 9:45am, my life was forever altered!! Lost my beloved daddy after a long struggle with liver cancer. I HATE CANCER!! I realized after talking to a friend about daddy's ordeal that I had never written about it. So here I go trying after 13 years to recapture those last few months...this is hard!!
Bootsie was always a daddy's girl, he was my hero, best friend, biggest supporter and main cheerleader my whole life!! I miss him dearly and would give almost anything to hear his deep voice again saying "Hi, babe" or "how's my Sunshine?" He always had the best hugs, he could envelope you in his arms and make you feel like you were the most important person on earth. And no matter what your troubles were while in his bear hug all your worries and troubles just simply disappeared, he made you feel like everything would be okay no matter what the circumstances.
Two years before he got sick he and his wife were living on 10 areas in Longville, LA. In February the girls and I traveled to Longville for a three day weekend. We arrived at midnight and daddy and I sat in the porch swing and talked until daylight. That was the last heart to heart talk I would ever have with him. It was a prefect night, in spite of some things he told me about my mother and other family members, good and bad things some were probably best left unsaid, but that's a whole other story! A rare opportunity to sit and talk just the two of us, looking back on it now, it almost seems like we knew this was the last time. There was an urgency in the air that night without being rushed (I know that statement doesn't exactly make sense, but that's how it felt). His wife was out of town, the kids had gone to bed, Mr. Husband wasn't with me...so for one cold, clam and very dark winter night we sat on his porch and drank and talked about everything. Our last daddy/daughter heart to heart time. I will cherish that night the rest of my life.
There are times that I wish I had known it was our last heart to heart talk, I wonder if I would have done or said anything differently...probably not. But I still wonder...
The last months of daddy's life are a blur, I wanted to spend as much time with him as possible. I was working full time, had kids in middle and high school, ballgames, band practice, plus all the ordinary daily "stuff" that has to be done, grocery shopping, paying bills, laundry, cooking and the endless chores of running a household and of course trying to find time for Mr. Husband. Talk about urgency!! I felt the urgency everyday, because I knew everyday could be the last. Never knew if when I returned to daddy if he'd be coherent or even alive.
Sometimes daddy would call with a request for something sounded good go him, probably the last request was for a Schlotzsky's sandwich. But normally by the time I got there with his request the craving had passed and he didn't want it. I would be sad, because I felt like I had failed him. But I learned, even if you had exactly what he wanted at exactly the time he asked for it, he would only eat a couple of bites. He wasn't being difficult, he was never a difficult person...it was just the cancer and how it was raging through his body. I HATE CANCER!!
I traveled between Crowley and Granbury a lot during those last few months. I had a Best of the Eagles CD that I played on every trip to Granbury, not sure why but Take it to the Limit was my favorite. Maybe because I felt time was limited or I was so limited on time. Which ever, the song never failed to make me feel better. I would sing (anyone that knows me, knows I can sing, being tone deaf kind of puts a damper on carrying a tune) but none the less I would sing at the top of my lungs and play the drums on the steering wheel. The trips to and from Granbury were my alone time and possibly my salvation!! I felt so stretched and pulled in so many directions, felt guilty for feeling this way too, because I was the lucky one...compared to what daddy was going through I didn't have any problems.
There were times I would pray for the Lord to take away his paid, then I would realize what that meant...death! Then I would feel so guilty and I would pray for forgiveness because I was essentially praying for him to die...which was the last thing I wanted. But, it was so hard seeing my big, strong, can make anything right, daddy wasting away and turning into an old, skin and bones man. My heart would break a little more with each visit. I tried to be strong and smile while with him, there were many times I had to leave the room and pull myself together...I HATE CANCER!!
The end was getting near, I knew from looking at him he was tired and so ready to be free of the pain. Also, he hated for us to see him like this. I've always been the emotional one of the three kids, my siblings always made fun of me because I was the crybaby. But, that's just who I am, it took me many years to ignore their teasing and be okay with my emotions. Anyway, it was a Sunday night and I was in Granbury visiting with daddy, but I had contacted a high school girlfriend who lived in the area and we plan to have dinner. When I left for dinner daddy was resting comfortably, it had been a couple of days since he was coherent. When I returned from dinner, the nurse told me his blood pressure had dropped significantly and that was the first sign he had just hours left. I immediately called my brother and sister. Neither one of them could come to Granbury that night but said they would be there early the next morning. I prayed daddy would hold on until they got there.
All night I sat with daddy and talked to him, not sure what all I talked about, but I talked and talked. I would takes breaks so his wife could have alone time with him. When she left I'd go back and talk some more. Sometime in the wee hours of the morning, I remember holding his hand and asking him to please watch over my babies, and ever so slightly I felt his hand squeeze mine. He had heard my request and that was his way of letting me know. I have never felt so sad and happy at the same time in my entire life...hard to explain, but knowing in my heart that was his last promise to me and knowing he had heard me was beyond any emotion I could ever explain. From that point on I felt a peace I hadn't felt in months. That was his way of telling me "baby girl, everything is going to be okay".
Bootsie was always a daddy's girl, he was my hero, best friend, biggest supporter and main cheerleader my whole life!! I miss him dearly and would give almost anything to hear his deep voice again saying "Hi, babe" or "how's my Sunshine?" He always had the best hugs, he could envelope you in his arms and make you feel like you were the most important person on earth. And no matter what your troubles were while in his bear hug all your worries and troubles just simply disappeared, he made you feel like everything would be okay no matter what the circumstances.
Two years before he got sick he and his wife were living on 10 areas in Longville, LA. In February the girls and I traveled to Longville for a three day weekend. We arrived at midnight and daddy and I sat in the porch swing and talked until daylight. That was the last heart to heart talk I would ever have with him. It was a prefect night, in spite of some things he told me about my mother and other family members, good and bad things some were probably best left unsaid, but that's a whole other story! A rare opportunity to sit and talk just the two of us, looking back on it now, it almost seems like we knew this was the last time. There was an urgency in the air that night without being rushed (I know that statement doesn't exactly make sense, but that's how it felt). His wife was out of town, the kids had gone to bed, Mr. Husband wasn't with me...so for one cold, clam and very dark winter night we sat on his porch and drank and talked about everything. Our last daddy/daughter heart to heart time. I will cherish that night the rest of my life.
There are times that I wish I had known it was our last heart to heart talk, I wonder if I would have done or said anything differently...probably not. But I still wonder...
The last months of daddy's life are a blur, I wanted to spend as much time with him as possible. I was working full time, had kids in middle and high school, ballgames, band practice, plus all the ordinary daily "stuff" that has to be done, grocery shopping, paying bills, laundry, cooking and the endless chores of running a household and of course trying to find time for Mr. Husband. Talk about urgency!! I felt the urgency everyday, because I knew everyday could be the last. Never knew if when I returned to daddy if he'd be coherent or even alive.
Sometimes daddy would call with a request for something sounded good go him, probably the last request was for a Schlotzsky's sandwich. But normally by the time I got there with his request the craving had passed and he didn't want it. I would be sad, because I felt like I had failed him. But I learned, even if you had exactly what he wanted at exactly the time he asked for it, he would only eat a couple of bites. He wasn't being difficult, he was never a difficult person...it was just the cancer and how it was raging through his body. I HATE CANCER!!
I traveled between Crowley and Granbury a lot during those last few months. I had a Best of the Eagles CD that I played on every trip to Granbury, not sure why but Take it to the Limit was my favorite. Maybe because I felt time was limited or I was so limited on time. Which ever, the song never failed to make me feel better. I would sing (anyone that knows me, knows I can sing, being tone deaf kind of puts a damper on carrying a tune) but none the less I would sing at the top of my lungs and play the drums on the steering wheel. The trips to and from Granbury were my alone time and possibly my salvation!! I felt so stretched and pulled in so many directions, felt guilty for feeling this way too, because I was the lucky one...compared to what daddy was going through I didn't have any problems.
There were times I would pray for the Lord to take away his paid, then I would realize what that meant...death! Then I would feel so guilty and I would pray for forgiveness because I was essentially praying for him to die...which was the last thing I wanted. But, it was so hard seeing my big, strong, can make anything right, daddy wasting away and turning into an old, skin and bones man. My heart would break a little more with each visit. I tried to be strong and smile while with him, there were many times I had to leave the room and pull myself together...I HATE CANCER!!
The end was getting near, I knew from looking at him he was tired and so ready to be free of the pain. Also, he hated for us to see him like this. I've always been the emotional one of the three kids, my siblings always made fun of me because I was the crybaby. But, that's just who I am, it took me many years to ignore their teasing and be okay with my emotions. Anyway, it was a Sunday night and I was in Granbury visiting with daddy, but I had contacted a high school girlfriend who lived in the area and we plan to have dinner. When I left for dinner daddy was resting comfortably, it had been a couple of days since he was coherent. When I returned from dinner, the nurse told me his blood pressure had dropped significantly and that was the first sign he had just hours left. I immediately called my brother and sister. Neither one of them could come to Granbury that night but said they would be there early the next morning. I prayed daddy would hold on until they got there.
All night I sat with daddy and talked to him, not sure what all I talked about, but I talked and talked. I would takes breaks so his wife could have alone time with him. When she left I'd go back and talk some more. Sometime in the wee hours of the morning, I remember holding his hand and asking him to please watch over my babies, and ever so slightly I felt his hand squeeze mine. He had heard my request and that was his way of letting me know. I have never felt so sad and happy at the same time in my entire life...hard to explain, but knowing in my heart that was his last promise to me and knowing he had heard me was beyond any emotion I could ever explain. From that point on I felt a peace I hadn't felt in months. That was his way of telling me "baby girl, everything is going to be okay".
Catching up...2014, 2015 and begining 2016
WOW!! Cannot believe it has been two since my last blog post!! Life has a way of getting away from you. So much has happened since March 2014!!
Baby Jam aka Gatlin Gage Masses was born August 28, 2014. Eight pounds five ounces of pure perfection!! Bald head with big blue eyes and incredibly sweet!!
Baby brother Boo aka Beau turned the big 5-0 September 13, 2014!! WOW!! Wife, Stacy threw a hug shindig for him at the local beer brewery, lots of friends and family came out and enjoyed the evening...including brand new Gatlin Gage, it was his first party!!
Thanksgiving and Christmas came and went...we have been very fortunate to have all the kids here to celebrate. I know those days are coming to and end, soon they will want to have holidays in their own home with their own families, I totally understand!! Grandparents travel easier and lighter than families with babies!!
Valentine's Day 2015 was fun, we were in Magnolia visiting Daughter #2 and husband. We went to the Magnolia Mardi Gars parade. Had beer from the Magnolia brewery, very good, went to dinner and had yummy shrimp and more beer, went back to daughter's house...Mr. Husband drank too much, again! So tired of worrying and fighting about the drinking!!
February 2015 starting seeing councilor trying to figure out how to deal and cope with husband's drinking issues. It's hard to convenience someone they have a problem when they don't think they do. Councilor gave me some tools and ideas to try to cope...however, I can fix the problem, only the one with the problem can fix it and they have to want to fix it...that's issue is a whole other blog!!
Months fly by and I'm still struggling to deal with husband's drinking issues. It is better, he tries to limit himself, first it was two beers, then three now it's four sometimes more. Especially if I'm not home. I find myself cringing every time he pops a beer!! I just can't help it, so many times he has gone overboard and I'm left dealing with a drunk man...NOT FUN!!
Lots of birthdays, February, March, April, May and June..August Gatlin had his 1st birthday! He is walking and jabbering and such delight!! Cannot get enough of him!! I cry everything we leave Magnolia and every time they leave Fort Worth...so depressing!! I actually feel like I mourn for him!!
Granddaughter, Cadence is 12 and such a beauty!! She is very athletic and loves to sing and she is very smart!! Really enjoy going to her games and choir concerts.
Fast forward to October 2015 - Daughter #3 aka baby girl gets engaged!! Really excited for her and new son-in-law to be!! Wedding is April 3, 2016!! It is fast approaching...more later!!
Keep in Real
Baby Jam aka Gatlin Gage Masses was born August 28, 2014. Eight pounds five ounces of pure perfection!! Bald head with big blue eyes and incredibly sweet!!
Baby brother Boo aka Beau turned the big 5-0 September 13, 2014!! WOW!! Wife, Stacy threw a hug shindig for him at the local beer brewery, lots of friends and family came out and enjoyed the evening...including brand new Gatlin Gage, it was his first party!!
Thanksgiving and Christmas came and went...we have been very fortunate to have all the kids here to celebrate. I know those days are coming to and end, soon they will want to have holidays in their own home with their own families, I totally understand!! Grandparents travel easier and lighter than families with babies!!
Valentine's Day 2015 was fun, we were in Magnolia visiting Daughter #2 and husband. We went to the Magnolia Mardi Gars parade. Had beer from the Magnolia brewery, very good, went to dinner and had yummy shrimp and more beer, went back to daughter's house...Mr. Husband drank too much, again! So tired of worrying and fighting about the drinking!!
February 2015 starting seeing councilor trying to figure out how to deal and cope with husband's drinking issues. It's hard to convenience someone they have a problem when they don't think they do. Councilor gave me some tools and ideas to try to cope...however, I can fix the problem, only the one with the problem can fix it and they have to want to fix it...that's issue is a whole other blog!!
Months fly by and I'm still struggling to deal with husband's drinking issues. It is better, he tries to limit himself, first it was two beers, then three now it's four sometimes more. Especially if I'm not home. I find myself cringing every time he pops a beer!! I just can't help it, so many times he has gone overboard and I'm left dealing with a drunk man...NOT FUN!!
Lots of birthdays, February, March, April, May and June..August Gatlin had his 1st birthday! He is walking and jabbering and such delight!! Cannot get enough of him!! I cry everything we leave Magnolia and every time they leave Fort Worth...so depressing!! I actually feel like I mourn for him!!
Granddaughter, Cadence is 12 and such a beauty!! She is very athletic and loves to sing and she is very smart!! Really enjoy going to her games and choir concerts.
Fast forward to October 2015 - Daughter #3 aka baby girl gets engaged!! Really excited for her and new son-in-law to be!! Wedding is April 3, 2016!! It is fast approaching...more later!!
Keep in Real
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