Christmas 2019

Well, another year has gone by and what a year it has been.  Full of uncertainties, challenges and change.

Christmas this year was very different, Daughter #2 and family went to Colorado with friends for the holiday, Daughter #3 went to Lubbock, TX with her husband and family.  Daughter #1 was in town.
In past years the tradition has been Christmas Eve at our house, but the last two years have been very different.  Christmas 2017 grandson had his tonsils out so we went to Magnolia because he couldn't travel.  Christmas 2018 grandson was just beginning his leukemia treatments, so we went to Magnolia.  But had to leave and drive home Christmas Eve, because grandpa came down with the flu and couldn't be around grandson going through chemo treatments. So I spent the next five days catering to a man with the flu.  Christmas Eve and Christmas Day I was alone, because no one could come to this house because of the patient with the flu.  I thought it was possibly the worst Christmas on record, but it didn't hold that status long...because I'm going on record claiming Christmas of 2019 as the worst to date.  I have never felt so alone and struggled to even fake a smile.

We started Christmas morning visiting with mother and Joe, who are bed redden for the most part. Neither are in good health and do not get out much.  Then went to Daughter #1's house for a quick visit and gift exchange, it was nice to see them.  Always enjoy hanging out with them.  So glad we got to see at least one of the girls and granddaughter.  Left daughter's house and went to my sister's house.  My nephew is a master at smoking brisket and all the food was delish. It's always a good time when at their house.  But, I was missing my girls and grandkids in the worst way.  I know a huge part of the reason I was so miserable is due to the fact I was with husband, we have been in a horrible relationship for several years (not abusive), that's a whole other issue in itself I need to elaborate on later.

Anyway, so many factors factor into why it was such a miserable Christmas.  I was not feeling it, at all.  Oh well, I did put on a brave face and had a decent time at my sister's house.  It was pleasant enough and really enjoyed seeing everyone that was there.  Just not the same...I know as time passes and family dynamics change, so do holidays.  The holidays of yester year are great memoires, but they are just that, memories.

I tried to focus on the fact I would be seeing Daughter #2 and grandkids in a few days to have a belated Christmas and spend Year's Eve with them.  I know I sound like I'm having a huge pity party, perhaps I am, but sometimes you just have to whaler in self pity...just don't unpack and life there!!

This whole past year has been very difficult, between grandson's leukemia diagnoses, leaving my job of 17 years, giving up my life in Fort Worth and moving to Magnolia.  I do not regret a single decision and I would do it all over again if need be, but that doesn't mean it wasn't hard to do.  However, with all that being said...my biggest blessings have emerged from my darkest days.  I learned so much about myself that I didn't even know existed.  I left my comfort zone and took a leap of faith like non other in my entire life!!!  Now I can't go back to the old me or the old life and that creates a huge problem in married life.

Keeping it real.  Moving forward.  Hard decisions ahead.

Much love to all!!