Well, another year has gone by and what a year it has been. Full of uncertainties, challenges and change.
Christmas this year was very different, Daughter #2 and family went to Colorado with friends for the holiday, Daughter #3 went to Lubbock, TX with her husband and family. Daughter #1 was in town.
In past years the tradition has been Christmas Eve at our house, but the last two years have been very different. Christmas 2017 grandson had his tonsils out so we went to Magnolia because he couldn't travel. Christmas 2018 grandson was just beginning his leukemia treatments, so we went to Magnolia. But had to leave and drive home Christmas Eve, because grandpa came down with the flu and couldn't be around grandson going through chemo treatments. So I spent the next five days catering to a man with the flu. Christmas Eve and Christmas Day I was alone, because no one could come to this house because of the patient with the flu. I thought it was possibly the worst Christmas on record, but it didn't hold that status long...because I'm going on record claiming Christmas of 2019 as the worst to date. I have never felt so alone and struggled to even fake a smile.
We started Christmas morning visiting with mother and Joe, who are bed redden for the most part. Neither are in good health and do not get out much. Then went to Daughter #1's house for a quick visit and gift exchange, it was nice to see them. Always enjoy hanging out with them. So glad we got to see at least one of the girls and granddaughter. Left daughter's house and went to my sister's house. My nephew is a master at smoking brisket and all the food was delish. It's always a good time when at their house. But, I was missing my girls and grandkids in the worst way. I know a huge part of the reason I was so miserable is due to the fact I was with husband, we have been in a horrible relationship for several years (not abusive), that's a whole other issue in itself I need to elaborate on later.
Anyway, so many factors factor into why it was such a miserable Christmas. I was not feeling it, at all. Oh well, I did put on a brave face and had a decent time at my sister's house. It was pleasant enough and really enjoyed seeing everyone that was there. Just not the same...I know as time passes and family dynamics change, so do holidays. The holidays of yester year are great memoires, but they are just that, memories.
I tried to focus on the fact I would be seeing Daughter #2 and grandkids in a few days to have a belated Christmas and spend Year's Eve with them. I know I sound like I'm having a huge pity party, perhaps I am, but sometimes you just have to whaler in self pity...just don't unpack and life there!!
This whole past year has been very difficult, between grandson's leukemia diagnoses, leaving my job of 17 years, giving up my life in Fort Worth and moving to Magnolia. I do not regret a single decision and I would do it all over again if need be, but that doesn't mean it wasn't hard to do. However, with all that being said...my biggest blessings have emerged from my darkest days. I learned so much about myself that I didn't even know existed. I left my comfort zone and took a leap of faith like non other in my entire life!!! Now I can't go back to the old me or the old life and that creates a huge problem in married life.
Keeping it real. Moving forward. Hard decisions ahead.
Much love to all!!
This is an adventure through trails, tribulations, blood, sweat and tears...all to live life to the fullest!!
Thursday, December 26, 2019
Friday, November 15, 2019
Kevin Klien - Going to the Top of the World for Kids
Kevin Klien is a popular radio DJ in Houston, Texas. He has a passion for kids, especially kids fighting cancer. This is just a part of his story, but I know this part first hand as we met Kevin.
Have to back up a couple of months, Jessica was contacted by a woman who told her she ran marathons for kids with cancer, she was part the Snowdrop Kids organization and each year she dedicates her runs/medals to a child fighting cancer. Her name is Emma Louis Jeter. This year Gatlin is her kid.
Emma told Jessica she was running a marathon in Oregon for Gatlin. She ran and she won a medal. Jessica is contacted again by Emma who wants to present Gatlin the medal she won. She told us the Snowdrop Foundation was having an event at Gallery Furniture (Mattress Mack) in Houston and wanted to present the medal to Gatlin via live streaming on FaceBook. It was an amazing event, I had no idea what Snowdrop was or what they did. But, we soon found out. That day at Gallery Furniture Emma indeed presented Gatlin with her medal in a live interview on FaceBook. At the event was a guy running on a treadmill, we told about his upcoming adventure...he was training to run over 300 miles along the Alaskan Delta Highway to raise awareness and funds for childhood cancer. He would be carrying a backpack to the "top of the world" with over 1800 names of children who, are fighting, fought or survived childhood cancer. Kevin told our Gatlin his name is on the list going to the "top of the world". We are so very touched.
So Kevin is scheduled to start his 300 mile adventure November 2019 (I do not know exact date). Last night I was reading about him and all that is entailed preparing for this race, there was a picture of a woman putting a huge stack of cards in Kevin's backpack, her son Caleb is in that stack of cards. Later I found a FB page saying, "follow along with Kevin and his journey to the "top of the world"". The organizer asked everyone to post a picture and brief message of the child whose name is going with Kevin. I was reading the posts and became overwhelmed with emotion. So many children have not made it through their cancer journey. I have never been so sad or felt such grief in my life and for people I do not even know. The beautiful faces with date of births and then date of deaths. My heart has never felt so heavy. I truly wanted to reach through the screen and hug each parent, grandparent, sibling, aunt, uncle etc...for each child!!
Kind of got ahead of myself, back to the event at Gallery Furniture...it was really fun! They had six king size mattresses pushed together to form a huge "bounce" area for the kids!! We even met Mattress Mack himself, owner of Gallery Furniture. He is the sweetest man and does huge things for the Houston community. He is quite the celebrity in Houston. The store is pretty cool, there are inspirational quotes/saying printed on all the walls, there is a glassed in area with live monkeys, yes monkeys!! They are so active and fun to watch, we all enjoyed seeing them.
I just have to say there is a special place in heaven for people like Emma, Kevin and organization like Snowdrop Kids. They are all heroes in my book.
I will probably never do anything has huge as Keven or Emma, but I will continue to support the fundraising and awareness events for childhood cancer long after our Gatlin is healed.
As hard as it is to say, because this leukemia diagnoses has been hell...we are among the lucky ones!! Gatlin's leukemia is one of the most treatable types, he was diagnosed at the best age for survival. His prognosis is good. Yes, he's had challenges, high blood pressure, high live enzymes, nausea, fatigue, horrible side effects of steroids, but his prognosis is good the doctors say he is tolerating and responding to treatment well.
I will find away to help other families going through what we've been through, give support, make a meal, send a toy, clean a house, mow a lawn...nothing will ever be enough!!!
#teamgatlin #gatlinstrong
Keeping it real.
Until next time...I have to write all this down in hopes to give Gatlin a glimpse of the love and support so many people have shown our family and him during his journey.
Have to back up a couple of months, Jessica was contacted by a woman who told her she ran marathons for kids with cancer, she was part the Snowdrop Kids organization and each year she dedicates her runs/medals to a child fighting cancer. Her name is Emma Louis Jeter. This year Gatlin is her kid.
Emma told Jessica she was running a marathon in Oregon for Gatlin. She ran and she won a medal. Jessica is contacted again by Emma who wants to present Gatlin the medal she won. She told us the Snowdrop Foundation was having an event at Gallery Furniture (Mattress Mack) in Houston and wanted to present the medal to Gatlin via live streaming on FaceBook. It was an amazing event, I had no idea what Snowdrop was or what they did. But, we soon found out. That day at Gallery Furniture Emma indeed presented Gatlin with her medal in a live interview on FaceBook. At the event was a guy running on a treadmill, we told about his upcoming adventure...he was training to run over 300 miles along the Alaskan Delta Highway to raise awareness and funds for childhood cancer. He would be carrying a backpack to the "top of the world" with over 1800 names of children who, are fighting, fought or survived childhood cancer. Kevin told our Gatlin his name is on the list going to the "top of the world". We are so very touched.
So Kevin is scheduled to start his 300 mile adventure November 2019 (I do not know exact date). Last night I was reading about him and all that is entailed preparing for this race, there was a picture of a woman putting a huge stack of cards in Kevin's backpack, her son Caleb is in that stack of cards. Later I found a FB page saying, "follow along with Kevin and his journey to the "top of the world"". The organizer asked everyone to post a picture and brief message of the child whose name is going with Kevin. I was reading the posts and became overwhelmed with emotion. So many children have not made it through their cancer journey. I have never been so sad or felt such grief in my life and for people I do not even know. The beautiful faces with date of births and then date of deaths. My heart has never felt so heavy. I truly wanted to reach through the screen and hug each parent, grandparent, sibling, aunt, uncle etc...for each child!!
Kind of got ahead of myself, back to the event at Gallery Furniture...it was really fun! They had six king size mattresses pushed together to form a huge "bounce" area for the kids!! We even met Mattress Mack himself, owner of Gallery Furniture. He is the sweetest man and does huge things for the Houston community. He is quite the celebrity in Houston. The store is pretty cool, there are inspirational quotes/saying printed on all the walls, there is a glassed in area with live monkeys, yes monkeys!! They are so active and fun to watch, we all enjoyed seeing them.
I just have to say there is a special place in heaven for people like Emma, Kevin and organization like Snowdrop Kids. They are all heroes in my book.
I will probably never do anything has huge as Keven or Emma, but I will continue to support the fundraising and awareness events for childhood cancer long after our Gatlin is healed.
As hard as it is to say, because this leukemia diagnoses has been hell...we are among the lucky ones!! Gatlin's leukemia is one of the most treatable types, he was diagnosed at the best age for survival. His prognosis is good. Yes, he's had challenges, high blood pressure, high live enzymes, nausea, fatigue, horrible side effects of steroids, but his prognosis is good the doctors say he is tolerating and responding to treatment well.
I will find away to help other families going through what we've been through, give support, make a meal, send a toy, clean a house, mow a lawn...nothing will ever be enough!!!
#teamgatlin #gatlinstrong
Keeping it real.
Until next time...I have to write all this down in hopes to give Gatlin a glimpse of the love and support so many people have shown our family and him during his journey.
Tuesday, November 12, 2019
Year from Hell continued...
As bad as the leukemia diagnosis has been, we have had so many wonderful people reach out to us in so many ways. The support from family, friends and complete strangers has been overwhelming at times. We are so grateful for every experience!! I'll try to capture some of our experiences.
First the neighborhood put together a food chain, someone brought us dinner every single night for 30 days!! Might not seem like a big deal, but it was huge!! Cam, Jessica and I could focus on Gatlin, whatever that meant...sometimes it was watching him sleep, others times is was holding him because he was so sick and confused. At four he did not understand what was happening, all he knew was he felt bad and his whole world had been ripped apart. He now had to take medicine daily and some of the meds were horrendous and it was an ordeal making him take them. Mama and daddy were tasked with this unpleasant task!! It was horrible!!
Jessica's best friend Keli put together a fundraiser, first a GoFundMe page, then a t-shirt and bracelet sell. And later football pots. She is one of the most selfless people I've ever known. She sold close to 200 shirts and 600 bracelets, the shirts had written on the back "Not all super hero wear capes, sometimes they fight leukemia". The bracelets have Gatlin Massey and "Fighting like a super hero" on them, also had the Batman icon. Gatlin become know as our Super Hero, because two days before his diagnosis Cam took a picture of Gatlin and Savannah in Super Hero costumes, Gatlin was Batman and Savannah was Wonder Woman. This picture become the face of #teamgatlin, also something Keli did, she created the #teamgaltin FB page. So we were all sporting our orange TeamGatlin t-shirts and bracelets (I never take my bracelet off). Orange is the color for the leukemia ribbon. So shirts and bracelets are all orange...I will forever have a orange on!!
Each visit to the hospital was an adventure, TCH is amazing and has activities, celebrities and events almost every week. We met the driver of the Whiplash Monster Truck, went to the Monster Truck even and Gatlin loved seeing his new "best friend". We met several Astros players and Orbit. Had a space day complete with a real astronaut suit and "built an astronaut" station. All so very touching.
Also, with these events we met other families with children fighting. One in particular was the Ericha Williams, her daughter Addyson has the exact opposite problem as Gatlin. Her body does not produce white blood cell, she has no ANC no way to fight infection, it's call Aplastic Anemia. She has had three bone marrow transplants and is still going through treatments. But doing much better. Turns out the Williams family live in Magnolia too and Ericha and Jessica know some of the same people...such a small world.
The Winter of 2019 was the longest, wettest darkest winter I can ever remember. The kids and I did crafts, went to the library, went to the "treehouse" (my garage apartment), watch endless Power Rangers, Oscar's Oasis, Lava mixed with Princess Poppy and Barbie shows!! But, the Summer of 2019 will forever be my best summer. Ever!! I was off the entire summer and spent it in Magnolia. Even under the circumstances of leukemia we had a great summer. We swam almost every day. I got to take the kids to swim lessons every day for two weeks, they had a blast!! After swim lessons we'd usually go eat lunch in Magnolia, then go home for a nap. Get up have a snack and swim again.
It was also the summer of my 60th birthday, Cam, Jessica and the other two girls along with my sister threw me the best birthday pool party. Ever. Even my brother and his family came!! It was a beautiful day full of love, celebration and gratefulness!!
Well, I will close for now and pick up again later...still lots more to come!!
Keeping it real
#teamgatlin
First the neighborhood put together a food chain, someone brought us dinner every single night for 30 days!! Might not seem like a big deal, but it was huge!! Cam, Jessica and I could focus on Gatlin, whatever that meant...sometimes it was watching him sleep, others times is was holding him because he was so sick and confused. At four he did not understand what was happening, all he knew was he felt bad and his whole world had been ripped apart. He now had to take medicine daily and some of the meds were horrendous and it was an ordeal making him take them. Mama and daddy were tasked with this unpleasant task!! It was horrible!!
Jessica's best friend Keli put together a fundraiser, first a GoFundMe page, then a t-shirt and bracelet sell. And later football pots. She is one of the most selfless people I've ever known. She sold close to 200 shirts and 600 bracelets, the shirts had written on the back "Not all super hero wear capes, sometimes they fight leukemia". The bracelets have Gatlin Massey and "Fighting like a super hero" on them, also had the Batman icon. Gatlin become know as our Super Hero, because two days before his diagnosis Cam took a picture of Gatlin and Savannah in Super Hero costumes, Gatlin was Batman and Savannah was Wonder Woman. This picture become the face of #teamgatlin, also something Keli did, she created the #teamgaltin FB page. So we were all sporting our orange TeamGatlin t-shirts and bracelets (I never take my bracelet off). Orange is the color for the leukemia ribbon. So shirts and bracelets are all orange...I will forever have a orange on!!
Each visit to the hospital was an adventure, TCH is amazing and has activities, celebrities and events almost every week. We met the driver of the Whiplash Monster Truck, went to the Monster Truck even and Gatlin loved seeing his new "best friend". We met several Astros players and Orbit. Had a space day complete with a real astronaut suit and "built an astronaut" station. All so very touching.
Also, with these events we met other families with children fighting. One in particular was the Ericha Williams, her daughter Addyson has the exact opposite problem as Gatlin. Her body does not produce white blood cell, she has no ANC no way to fight infection, it's call Aplastic Anemia. She has had three bone marrow transplants and is still going through treatments. But doing much better. Turns out the Williams family live in Magnolia too and Ericha and Jessica know some of the same people...such a small world.
The Winter of 2019 was the longest, wettest darkest winter I can ever remember. The kids and I did crafts, went to the library, went to the "treehouse" (my garage apartment), watch endless Power Rangers, Oscar's Oasis, Lava mixed with Princess Poppy and Barbie shows!! But, the Summer of 2019 will forever be my best summer. Ever!! I was off the entire summer and spent it in Magnolia. Even under the circumstances of leukemia we had a great summer. We swam almost every day. I got to take the kids to swim lessons every day for two weeks, they had a blast!! After swim lessons we'd usually go eat lunch in Magnolia, then go home for a nap. Get up have a snack and swim again.
It was also the summer of my 60th birthday, Cam, Jessica and the other two girls along with my sister threw me the best birthday pool party. Ever. Even my brother and his family came!! It was a beautiful day full of love, celebration and gratefulness!!
Well, I will close for now and pick up again later...still lots more to come!!
Keeping it real
#teamgatlin
Tuesday, October 29, 2019
Year from Hell - Leukemia
Not sure where to even begin...so I guess at the very beginning.
Wednesday, September 12, 2018 forever engrained on my heart as a night of shear terror.
Four year old grandson, Gatlin was diagnosed with leukemia, specifically Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia. It is a blood cancer. I now know more about leukemia than I ever wanted to know.
The next few days were a complete whirlwind of test, blood transfusion, lumbar puncture, chemo, labs etc...and a feeling of total helplessness.
His day started like any other day, up early at 5:30p, went to day care. Teacher calls mama tells her Gatlin is running a low grade fever, but not to come get him yet. She said she'll check him after nap time. He woke up from his nap with a 104 temperature, day care called mama, she called doctor and took him right in. I talked to her all the way to the doctor's office, she told me how awful he looked and how horrible he felt. He was prone to strep throat, so we're assuming that's the culprit. Doctor looks at his swollen lymph nodes and says "those are impressive, I want you to take him straight to Texas Children's Hospital emergency room. They will be expecting you".
I get the call they are on their way to TCH, 15 minutes later we're on the road headed to Houston. Three hours later while driving through College Station Jessica calls with the news...it's leukemia. I cannot even begin to tell you the emotions I felt...it was like the breath had been knocked out of me. I simply could not believe what I was hearing. Please God let it be a mistake. It was no mistake.
I walked into the ER room and saw Jessica holding her very sick son with his daddy near by with tears in his eyes. Her first words to me were "I'm so angry!!" They spent the night in ICU monitoring him very closely. We were told they'd have to move him to the downtown Houston TCH. Late Thursday night Gatlin and Jessica rode in an ambulance with Cam and me following. Friday afternoon he had his first of many lumbar punctures and later that night his first of many chemo treatments. After a week in the hospital, they are sent home to endure the worst 28 days of their lives. Mega steroids changed our sweet carefree boy into an angry, frustrated and very irritable child. During this 28 days, he gain 10% of his body weight which caused others issues, he could not climb up into his chair to eat, he was too heavy, he had trouble walking and would fall frequently. Too much weight gain in too short of time his little body didn't know how to control the extra weight. All he wanted was to eat "white noodles" aka fettuccini alfredo. His parents took turns sleeping with him and would get up in the middle of the night to eat "white noodles". Finally, the 28 days were over and the steroids started to leave his body and we got our precious boy back. His walking improved as the weight begin to drop off.
October 12, 2018 was a big day. He had another lumbar puncture to check for cancer cells. It was the first of many milestones he/we would cross.
There is so much more, but I'll move on to another topic. We knew he would not be able to return to day care for at least nine months making it August 2019. I decided to retire early (that's a whole other story I'll elaborate on later) and move to Magnolia to keep Gatlin and Savannah and also be available to go with Jessica for chemo and LPs. So January 7, 2019 I started my baby sitting gig and Jessica returned to work. Every Thursday for months we traveled to downtown Houston TCH for chemo, the hospital is an hour and 20 minutes from Magnolia. So needless to say, every Thursday was an adventure, Houston traffic can be a total fickle bitch!!! But, we fell into a routine, drop Savannah off at day care, start our way downtown, stop at Whataburger for breakfast and chocolate milk per Gatlin's request. Make it to the 14th floor designated as the oncology clinic and procedure floor. It is a lovely child friendly floor, but also heartbreaking. As you sit waiting for your appointment you see so many children in various stages of treatment...it can really get to you!!
So much more to write, but going to fast forward...today our Super Hero is doing well, he's had several issues his oncologist has had monitor closely. He is not done yet...treatment should be complete Fall of 2021.
More later...so much more!! Keeping it real
#teamgatlin
#leukemiasucks
Wednesday, September 12, 2018 forever engrained on my heart as a night of shear terror.
Four year old grandson, Gatlin was diagnosed with leukemia, specifically Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia. It is a blood cancer. I now know more about leukemia than I ever wanted to know.
The next few days were a complete whirlwind of test, blood transfusion, lumbar puncture, chemo, labs etc...and a feeling of total helplessness.
His day started like any other day, up early at 5:30p, went to day care. Teacher calls mama tells her Gatlin is running a low grade fever, but not to come get him yet. She said she'll check him after nap time. He woke up from his nap with a 104 temperature, day care called mama, she called doctor and took him right in. I talked to her all the way to the doctor's office, she told me how awful he looked and how horrible he felt. He was prone to strep throat, so we're assuming that's the culprit. Doctor looks at his swollen lymph nodes and says "those are impressive, I want you to take him straight to Texas Children's Hospital emergency room. They will be expecting you".
I get the call they are on their way to TCH, 15 minutes later we're on the road headed to Houston. Three hours later while driving through College Station Jessica calls with the news...it's leukemia. I cannot even begin to tell you the emotions I felt...it was like the breath had been knocked out of me. I simply could not believe what I was hearing. Please God let it be a mistake. It was no mistake.
I walked into the ER room and saw Jessica holding her very sick son with his daddy near by with tears in his eyes. Her first words to me were "I'm so angry!!" They spent the night in ICU monitoring him very closely. We were told they'd have to move him to the downtown Houston TCH. Late Thursday night Gatlin and Jessica rode in an ambulance with Cam and me following. Friday afternoon he had his first of many lumbar punctures and later that night his first of many chemo treatments. After a week in the hospital, they are sent home to endure the worst 28 days of their lives. Mega steroids changed our sweet carefree boy into an angry, frustrated and very irritable child. During this 28 days, he gain 10% of his body weight which caused others issues, he could not climb up into his chair to eat, he was too heavy, he had trouble walking and would fall frequently. Too much weight gain in too short of time his little body didn't know how to control the extra weight. All he wanted was to eat "white noodles" aka fettuccini alfredo. His parents took turns sleeping with him and would get up in the middle of the night to eat "white noodles". Finally, the 28 days were over and the steroids started to leave his body and we got our precious boy back. His walking improved as the weight begin to drop off.
October 12, 2018 was a big day. He had another lumbar puncture to check for cancer cells. It was the first of many milestones he/we would cross.
There is so much more, but I'll move on to another topic. We knew he would not be able to return to day care for at least nine months making it August 2019. I decided to retire early (that's a whole other story I'll elaborate on later) and move to Magnolia to keep Gatlin and Savannah and also be available to go with Jessica for chemo and LPs. So January 7, 2019 I started my baby sitting gig and Jessica returned to work. Every Thursday for months we traveled to downtown Houston TCH for chemo, the hospital is an hour and 20 minutes from Magnolia. So needless to say, every Thursday was an adventure, Houston traffic can be a total fickle bitch!!! But, we fell into a routine, drop Savannah off at day care, start our way downtown, stop at Whataburger for breakfast and chocolate milk per Gatlin's request. Make it to the 14th floor designated as the oncology clinic and procedure floor. It is a lovely child friendly floor, but also heartbreaking. As you sit waiting for your appointment you see so many children in various stages of treatment...it can really get to you!!
So much more to write, but going to fast forward...today our Super Hero is doing well, he's had several issues his oncologist has had monitor closely. He is not done yet...treatment should be complete Fall of 2021.
More later...so much more!! Keeping it real
#teamgatlin
#leukemiasucks
Tuesday, March 15, 2016
Focus, focus, focus...
Daughter #3's wedding it getting very close! Have to stay focused and keep calm to get everything done so it is the prefect wedding of her dreams. I pray daily for good weather for the outdoor ceremony.
Holding my life together while planning this wedding has been way more difficult then I thought it would be, I hoped the wedding would distract me from my unhappiness...it has not. However, without the wedding as a distraction I would probably have already left...we'll see what happens when the wedding is said and done.
The saddest thing to me is Mr. Husband doesn't seem to have a clue. I've talked to him and point blank told him one than once that I'm not happy with the way our relationship is and that I miss the "old" us...he has done nothing to try to help the situation. It would not take much, just a little effort would go a long way. Example, it was Friday night we went to Total Wines to buy wine to sample for the wedding, the store was full of tasting vendors:
Bootsie: This is a fun store, you want to taste something?
Mr. Husband: No, that's okay.
Bootsie: Why not? We're here and it's free...
Mr. Husband: You go ahead...
We tasted a couple of things, but could tell he would rather just leave.
Driving away from the store I asked "do you want to get something to eat while we're out?" I'm hoping beyond hope he'll suggest we go "out" to eat. He'll maybe want to take me out. Well, he suggests pizza and proceeds to stop at Little Caesars for a $5.00 take out pizza. Not what I was hoping for. So once again I squash my disappointment and don't make a big deal out of it...it is like he has no personality, he seldom laughs, never suggests we go anywhere or do anything and does not put any thought or effort into much of anything. I recognize the fact that he is a good man and I could have things so much worse, but I'm not happy with our marriage and I can't fix it alone and he doesn't seem to care enough to even try to step and do anything about it.
I fantasize about living in a small apartment and doing anything I want. It is a crazy fantasy.
but I dream of it daily...to go home if I want to or not and being totally spontaneous!!
I try to focus on the good things because there are good things to be grateful for...but they don't make me happy...
Keeping it real...
Holding my life together while planning this wedding has been way more difficult then I thought it would be, I hoped the wedding would distract me from my unhappiness...it has not. However, without the wedding as a distraction I would probably have already left...we'll see what happens when the wedding is said and done.
The saddest thing to me is Mr. Husband doesn't seem to have a clue. I've talked to him and point blank told him one than once that I'm not happy with the way our relationship is and that I miss the "old" us...he has done nothing to try to help the situation. It would not take much, just a little effort would go a long way. Example, it was Friday night we went to Total Wines to buy wine to sample for the wedding, the store was full of tasting vendors:
Bootsie: This is a fun store, you want to taste something?
Mr. Husband: No, that's okay.
Bootsie: Why not? We're here and it's free...
Mr. Husband: You go ahead...
We tasted a couple of things, but could tell he would rather just leave.
Driving away from the store I asked "do you want to get something to eat while we're out?" I'm hoping beyond hope he'll suggest we go "out" to eat. He'll maybe want to take me out. Well, he suggests pizza and proceeds to stop at Little Caesars for a $5.00 take out pizza. Not what I was hoping for. So once again I squash my disappointment and don't make a big deal out of it...it is like he has no personality, he seldom laughs, never suggests we go anywhere or do anything and does not put any thought or effort into much of anything. I recognize the fact that he is a good man and I could have things so much worse, but I'm not happy with our marriage and I can't fix it alone and he doesn't seem to care enough to even try to step and do anything about it.
I fantasize about living in a small apartment and doing anything I want. It is a crazy fantasy.
but I dream of it daily...to go home if I want to or not and being totally spontaneous!!
I try to focus on the good things because there are good things to be grateful for...but they don't make me happy...
Keeping it real...
Sunday, March 6, 2016
Beautiful weekend coming to an end...
Beautiful weather this weekend...
Mr. Husband working his tail off in the yard, mowing, mulching leaves, cleaning gutters and fertilizing, ended up with eight bags of leaves...every year he complains about the leaves! But, loves the trees. Go figure!!
After a hard day of yard work and chores we sat on the patio with adult beverages and had a nice outdoor fire. It was pleasant, but not romantic as I had hoped. Very mundane and generic...oh well, being a hopeless romantic is a curse!!
Mr. Husband working his tail off in the yard, mowing, mulching leaves, cleaning gutters and fertilizing, ended up with eight bags of leaves...every year he complains about the leaves! But, loves the trees. Go figure!!
After a hard day of yard work and chores we sat on the patio with adult beverages and had a nice outdoor fire. It was pleasant, but not romantic as I had hoped. Very mundane and generic...oh well, being a hopeless romantic is a curse!!
Lost romance
Lost feelings
No touching
No special looks
No secrete signs
Nothing, zero, zip, nada, zilch...
It is a sad and unfulfilling way to live
Keeping it real!!
Thursday, March 3, 2016
February 12, 2001, 13 years ago at 9:...
As the title says...13 years ago at 9:45am, my life was forever altered!! Lost my beloved daddy after a long struggle with liver cancer. I HATE CANCER!! I realized after talking to a friend about daddy's ordeal that I had never written about it. So here I go trying after 13 years to recapture those last few months...this is hard!!
Bootsie was always a daddy's girl, he was my hero, best friend, biggest supporter and main cheerleader my whole life!! I miss him dearly and would give almost anything to hear his deep voice again saying "Hi, babe" or "how's my Sunshine?" He always had the best hugs, he could envelope you in his arms and make you feel like you were the most important person on earth. And no matter what your troubles were while in his bear hug all your worries and troubles just simply disappeared, he made you feel like everything would be okay no matter what the circumstances.
Two years before he got sick he and his wife were living on 10 areas in Longville, LA. In February the girls and I traveled to Longville for a three day weekend. We arrived at midnight and daddy and I sat in the porch swing and talked until daylight. That was the last heart to heart talk I would ever have with him. It was a prefect night, in spite of some things he told me about my mother and other family members, good and bad things some were probably best left unsaid, but that's a whole other story! A rare opportunity to sit and talk just the two of us, looking back on it now, it almost seems like we knew this was the last time. There was an urgency in the air that night without being rushed (I know that statement doesn't exactly make sense, but that's how it felt). His wife was out of town, the kids had gone to bed, Mr. Husband wasn't with me...so for one cold, clam and very dark winter night we sat on his porch and drank and talked about everything. Our last daddy/daughter heart to heart time. I will cherish that night the rest of my life.
There are times that I wish I had known it was our last heart to heart talk, I wonder if I would have done or said anything differently...probably not. But I still wonder...
The last months of daddy's life are a blur, I wanted to spend as much time with him as possible. I was working full time, had kids in middle and high school, ballgames, band practice, plus all the ordinary daily "stuff" that has to be done, grocery shopping, paying bills, laundry, cooking and the endless chores of running a household and of course trying to find time for Mr. Husband. Talk about urgency!! I felt the urgency everyday, because I knew everyday could be the last. Never knew if when I returned to daddy if he'd be coherent or even alive.
Sometimes daddy would call with a request for something sounded good go him, probably the last request was for a Schlotzsky's sandwich. But normally by the time I got there with his request the craving had passed and he didn't want it. I would be sad, because I felt like I had failed him. But I learned, even if you had exactly what he wanted at exactly the time he asked for it, he would only eat a couple of bites. He wasn't being difficult, he was never a difficult person...it was just the cancer and how it was raging through his body. I HATE CANCER!!
I traveled between Crowley and Granbury a lot during those last few months. I had a Best of the Eagles CD that I played on every trip to Granbury, not sure why but Take it to the Limit was my favorite. Maybe because I felt time was limited or I was so limited on time. Which ever, the song never failed to make me feel better. I would sing (anyone that knows me, knows I can sing, being tone deaf kind of puts a damper on carrying a tune) but none the less I would sing at the top of my lungs and play the drums on the steering wheel. The trips to and from Granbury were my alone time and possibly my salvation!! I felt so stretched and pulled in so many directions, felt guilty for feeling this way too, because I was the lucky one...compared to what daddy was going through I didn't have any problems.
There were times I would pray for the Lord to take away his paid, then I would realize what that meant...death! Then I would feel so guilty and I would pray for forgiveness because I was essentially praying for him to die...which was the last thing I wanted. But, it was so hard seeing my big, strong, can make anything right, daddy wasting away and turning into an old, skin and bones man. My heart would break a little more with each visit. I tried to be strong and smile while with him, there were many times I had to leave the room and pull myself together...I HATE CANCER!!
The end was getting near, I knew from looking at him he was tired and so ready to be free of the pain. Also, he hated for us to see him like this. I've always been the emotional one of the three kids, my siblings always made fun of me because I was the crybaby. But, that's just who I am, it took me many years to ignore their teasing and be okay with my emotions. Anyway, it was a Sunday night and I was in Granbury visiting with daddy, but I had contacted a high school girlfriend who lived in the area and we plan to have dinner. When I left for dinner daddy was resting comfortably, it had been a couple of days since he was coherent. When I returned from dinner, the nurse told me his blood pressure had dropped significantly and that was the first sign he had just hours left. I immediately called my brother and sister. Neither one of them could come to Granbury that night but said they would be there early the next morning. I prayed daddy would hold on until they got there.
All night I sat with daddy and talked to him, not sure what all I talked about, but I talked and talked. I would takes breaks so his wife could have alone time with him. When she left I'd go back and talk some more. Sometime in the wee hours of the morning, I remember holding his hand and asking him to please watch over my babies, and ever so slightly I felt his hand squeeze mine. He had heard my request and that was his way of letting me know. I have never felt so sad and happy at the same time in my entire life...hard to explain, but knowing in my heart that was his last promise to me and knowing he had heard me was beyond any emotion I could ever explain. From that point on I felt a peace I hadn't felt in months. That was his way of telling me "baby girl, everything is going to be okay".
Bootsie was always a daddy's girl, he was my hero, best friend, biggest supporter and main cheerleader my whole life!! I miss him dearly and would give almost anything to hear his deep voice again saying "Hi, babe" or "how's my Sunshine?" He always had the best hugs, he could envelope you in his arms and make you feel like you were the most important person on earth. And no matter what your troubles were while in his bear hug all your worries and troubles just simply disappeared, he made you feel like everything would be okay no matter what the circumstances.
Two years before he got sick he and his wife were living on 10 areas in Longville, LA. In February the girls and I traveled to Longville for a three day weekend. We arrived at midnight and daddy and I sat in the porch swing and talked until daylight. That was the last heart to heart talk I would ever have with him. It was a prefect night, in spite of some things he told me about my mother and other family members, good and bad things some were probably best left unsaid, but that's a whole other story! A rare opportunity to sit and talk just the two of us, looking back on it now, it almost seems like we knew this was the last time. There was an urgency in the air that night without being rushed (I know that statement doesn't exactly make sense, but that's how it felt). His wife was out of town, the kids had gone to bed, Mr. Husband wasn't with me...so for one cold, clam and very dark winter night we sat on his porch and drank and talked about everything. Our last daddy/daughter heart to heart time. I will cherish that night the rest of my life.
There are times that I wish I had known it was our last heart to heart talk, I wonder if I would have done or said anything differently...probably not. But I still wonder...
The last months of daddy's life are a blur, I wanted to spend as much time with him as possible. I was working full time, had kids in middle and high school, ballgames, band practice, plus all the ordinary daily "stuff" that has to be done, grocery shopping, paying bills, laundry, cooking and the endless chores of running a household and of course trying to find time for Mr. Husband. Talk about urgency!! I felt the urgency everyday, because I knew everyday could be the last. Never knew if when I returned to daddy if he'd be coherent or even alive.
Sometimes daddy would call with a request for something sounded good go him, probably the last request was for a Schlotzsky's sandwich. But normally by the time I got there with his request the craving had passed and he didn't want it. I would be sad, because I felt like I had failed him. But I learned, even if you had exactly what he wanted at exactly the time he asked for it, he would only eat a couple of bites. He wasn't being difficult, he was never a difficult person...it was just the cancer and how it was raging through his body. I HATE CANCER!!
I traveled between Crowley and Granbury a lot during those last few months. I had a Best of the Eagles CD that I played on every trip to Granbury, not sure why but Take it to the Limit was my favorite. Maybe because I felt time was limited or I was so limited on time. Which ever, the song never failed to make me feel better. I would sing (anyone that knows me, knows I can sing, being tone deaf kind of puts a damper on carrying a tune) but none the less I would sing at the top of my lungs and play the drums on the steering wheel. The trips to and from Granbury were my alone time and possibly my salvation!! I felt so stretched and pulled in so many directions, felt guilty for feeling this way too, because I was the lucky one...compared to what daddy was going through I didn't have any problems.
There were times I would pray for the Lord to take away his paid, then I would realize what that meant...death! Then I would feel so guilty and I would pray for forgiveness because I was essentially praying for him to die...which was the last thing I wanted. But, it was so hard seeing my big, strong, can make anything right, daddy wasting away and turning into an old, skin and bones man. My heart would break a little more with each visit. I tried to be strong and smile while with him, there were many times I had to leave the room and pull myself together...I HATE CANCER!!
The end was getting near, I knew from looking at him he was tired and so ready to be free of the pain. Also, he hated for us to see him like this. I've always been the emotional one of the three kids, my siblings always made fun of me because I was the crybaby. But, that's just who I am, it took me many years to ignore their teasing and be okay with my emotions. Anyway, it was a Sunday night and I was in Granbury visiting with daddy, but I had contacted a high school girlfriend who lived in the area and we plan to have dinner. When I left for dinner daddy was resting comfortably, it had been a couple of days since he was coherent. When I returned from dinner, the nurse told me his blood pressure had dropped significantly and that was the first sign he had just hours left. I immediately called my brother and sister. Neither one of them could come to Granbury that night but said they would be there early the next morning. I prayed daddy would hold on until they got there.
All night I sat with daddy and talked to him, not sure what all I talked about, but I talked and talked. I would takes breaks so his wife could have alone time with him. When she left I'd go back and talk some more. Sometime in the wee hours of the morning, I remember holding his hand and asking him to please watch over my babies, and ever so slightly I felt his hand squeeze mine. He had heard my request and that was his way of letting me know. I have never felt so sad and happy at the same time in my entire life...hard to explain, but knowing in my heart that was his last promise to me and knowing he had heard me was beyond any emotion I could ever explain. From that point on I felt a peace I hadn't felt in months. That was his way of telling me "baby girl, everything is going to be okay".
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